Dealing with Stalking

If you are ever stalked, it's not your fault. You are not responsible for what he is thinking, feeling or doing. You may feel powerless, confused and isolated. Being stalked can take over your life. It can control your actions and take away your enjoyment of each day. It is vital to know that there is much you can do to greatly increase your safety. Break out of any isolation. Get support. Deny him privacy and control. You can combat this.

As with other types of predators, most stalkers are acquaintances. Many stalkers were previously in a close relationship with the target and will not let go. Others are neighbors, a friend of a friend, clients, and so on. A relentless pursuer can be thought of as "romantic" and many old stories and songs revolve around this theme. However, be aware that a man who persistently calls and follows you after you have told him to stop is dangerous. He can't give up the power and control. Many inflate some slight contact into a full-blown romance. A minority of stalkers is completely unknown to the target and make up the connection entirely. Some stalkers are not motivated by any of these twisted variations on human relationship, but rather are simply motivated by revenge. This type includes the person angry with some politician and the disgruntled ex-employee targeting his boss and other workers.

As with any form of potential violence, an important first step is to cut through the denial. Do not deny this could be happening to you at all, or deny this person, who you thought you knew so well, could do something so horrible. A common form of denial is the idea that the stalker is harmless and his activity is just a minor irritation. If you are in a stalking situation, he is not harmless, but neither are you powerless. There are many steps you can take to increase your safety.

One of the most powerful protections against stalking is clear and direct boundary setting. If you know you are being stalked, or you think you might be, tell him once what you want, namely to go away and never contact you again. After that, sever contact completely. Do not speak to him on the phone or in person. Do not try to reason with him. Do not leave more messages on his phone telling him to stop phoning. Do not have large friends go over to "have a little chat". Any contact or communication, even if it is negative, keeps him attached. If you completely break contact, many stalkers will eventually give up.

Tell everyone that you are being stalked - friends, family, co-workers, your children's school, your regular grocery store - everyone. If possible, give them all a photo of the stalker. This closes a possible avenue of information or even physical access. Remember, most predators are "nice" at first. It is far too easy for someone like this to charm or trick your friends or neighbors into giving them information. He may pretend to be a long-lost friend, or a husband wanting to track down his children who he says you stole. Deny him privacy and control. If you tell friends and neighbors, you will have one more layer of protection.

* Record everything that happens - every phone call, contact or incident. Even if it seems unimportant, write it down. Report it to police. Ask for the file number and use it any time you phone them. If you want or need to take legal action later, having this report will help. You can file a report with the police without having them do anything with it right away.

* In some communities a special personal alarm is available that connects you to your local police. Ask a police officer or transition house worker about this.

* If a stalker gets your home phone number, don't change it. Put a answering machine on that line and keep all messages. Make a note of times when someone hung up without speaking. Give these to the police also. Get a second number, unlisted, for yourself and friends.

* If you are receiving harassing phone calls, ask your phone company about the *57 call trace service.

* At work, have co-workers screen all calls and visitors. Remove your name from the in/out board. Remove any personal information from your desk and computer.

* Ask all friends, neighbors, co-workers and family to report any contact with the stalker. Record these instances. Give this information to the police.

* Ask trusted neighbors to help watch your home.

* Don't accept any packages unless you ordered something.

* Get a cell-phone and keep it with you at all times. "With you" means on your belt or in a pocket, not just in your car or a nearby room. That also means when you are at home. He may cut your phone lines. You want to be able to phone for help at any time of the day or night. Be aware that cell-phone calls can be listened to with a scanner. Digital phones are more secure.

* Press *67 (or local variation) before you dial, which prevents your number going to people with call display.

* Break your old routines and predictable patterns. Leave the house and come home at irregular times.

* Consider moving. Yes, it's completely unfair, but depending on the situation, you may need to consider this option for your safety.

* It is crucial that you take part in a powerful and effective self-defense course.

Protect your personal information. Your full name, phone number and home address are nobody's business except for trusted friends and family. Avoid putting this information on any public documents or official files. Get a mailbox. Instead of "Box No." put "Suite No." An address including "Suite No." looks like a home address. (Note for U.S. readers - unfortunately your postal regulations do not allow you this protection.) Don't put your first name. Use two initials. Why two? Because one initial too obviously indicates a woman. Using two initials is more commonly a male practice.

Send change of address cards with your new Suite No. (P.O. Box) to all organizations and individuals (except those few trusted friends and family members who already know). Make sure no records anywhere have your name and address on them. This means everything:

driving license
doctor's office
car registration
vet's office
magazine subscriptions
business cards
mail order companies
credit cards
your children's school
utilities
sports activities
any stores you use that keep personal records (video, dry-cleaners, photo-shop, pharmacy)
and so on ..... everywhere

You may need to push in some cases, but you can actually get your address removed from public records. The police officer looking after your file may be able to help. This may sound like over-reacting, even crazy, but these really are just sensible precautions to take. These precautions will seem trivial compared to the hassle you will endure if you are stalked by a determined predator.

Protect your privacy when you are in public places too.
Just listen to other people when you are at the counter in a video store, bank or supermarket. Most people happily give their name, address and phone with several strangers within hearing range. It is a simple and horrible fact that picking up information like this is a common tactic of predators.

Never discard anything with your personal information on it.
Burn it or double-shred it. Dumpster/trash-can diving is another tactic used by criminals to gain information. Assume your trash-can is being viewed by the public.

SUMMARY

Take the situation seriously

Deny information

Deny access

Sever contact completely

Educate yourself

Participate in a full contact self-defense course